Friday, May 19, 2006

The freakish 14

Is it just me or are this year's Big Brother wannabes worse than ever? I mean worse in a good way, of course, like a rubber-necking festival ogling a 14-body pile-up waiting to happen.

No cow either, how disappointing was that? Where was the promised cow with all the milking and cow pat fun during those long hot summer days? And Chantelle who was said to be coming back for another "OMG" trip through British celebrity TV land. Where is she? Vapid and dim she might have been, but a colossus in comparison. Okay, not colossus, but harmless and silly.

I watched the whole thing, thinking somehow that contestants would get better, but I wasn't thinking like a Channel 4 producer working on Big Brother.

That job is more akin of a crazed scientist wondering what will happen if he adds just a little more nitroglycerine and shakes?

Possibly lots of swearing, some shoving and maybe drunken snogging. Like last year when Makosi thought she was pregnant with 70s dancer Antony's offspring after frolicking in the pool. Sadly, the child of Big Brother was all in the former nurse’s mind.

This year they have a former Miss Wales. She apparently likes underwear and once spent £1000 on it. She had a fling with Dwight Yorke and is currently a bar hostess. I wonder where they met?

Imogen’s most outrageous experience was dressing up as a playboy bunny at her own party, but getting so drunk she passed out. Oh you get the picture.

The most grotesque entry was Lea 35, who was once 22-stone, but is now a car crash of plastic surgery with Euro Trash size MM superboobs. MM? Are you serious? Do they even make them that big? Apparently so.

She thinks Elvis is sexy and admits she's been celibate for a year because only the seedy guys are interested in her. Shocker.

Pete the tourettes suffer is like a Lee Evans clone. It's scary. The funny walk the…zero talent. It's all there and he is being tipped to win.

Pete says he "craves fame and would like to be a famous Touretter", like a famous majorette or something.

Whatever he's doing, bookmakers Paddy Power seem to think he can win. Oh please save us.

Darren Haines, spokesman for Paddy Power, said: "Pete wasn’t the only one swearing last night. Paddy Power’s traders were cursing as we were knocked over in the rush to back the bubbly Brighton lad, even as we cut his odds from 7/1 joint favourite to 10/3."

"There may be people criticizing Channel 4 but as far as viewers and punters are concerned, they can’t wait to support him with us."

Surprisingly underwear lover Imogen is proving the most popular girl so far and superboobs (let’s face it,as superhero powers go, big boobs are not going to save the world) looks likely to be the first to go.

It's going to be a long hot summer. Pop quiz: what ever did happen to those girls?


At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Hezza said...

Those girls ended up becoming hacks on NMA didn't they?

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Gary Bushell said...

Well Gordon we've been waiting all day to hear your thoughts on BB7. It's been worth the wait. Whilst some people might say this blog skirts around the key issues in the media and marketing world we knew you'd get to the heart of the matter. The only way BB can continue to make money is by becoming more and more salacious as time goes by.

Surely the cow will arrive when the viewing figures start to fall? And if Chantelle isn't available maybe they could get an ACTUAL cow in...ho ho ho

How about the tables get turned midway through the series and we all agree it'd be better if Davina was locked up and the housemates were all taken up in a 'care in the community' programme?

The Tourettes guy to win. He's the one who captured the essence of each new housemate by calling them obscene names upon meeting them. Wouldn't we all like to do that?

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous Barry McGuigan said...

What do you expect from big brother Gordon? its as though you seriously believe that it's going to be a 14 week edition of Question Time. To be honest, I'm slightly surprised that its made it to the blog as the only marketing/advertising/media story to be told is that carphone warehouse have got the prime ad slot of the year and will no doubt raise market share and revenue on the back of it.

Whoever made the decision to end BT's involvement with BB made a big mistake. Maybe they were alarmed by the synergy between BT and a bunch of underachieving wannabes who can't string a sentence together. Who says offshoring call centre functions is a bad idea?

Anyway, enough of this horseplay, its nearly the weekend and i'm not going to waste anymore of my intensely intellectual discussion on you.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Gordon said...

Its not Question Times? That's terribly disappointing.

At 5:20 PM, Anonymous mr t said...

You mean Question TIME (no 'S') fool. I ain't gettin on no damn plane


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